Sadness in installments

Wish there was a way,
if only I knew how
to get the sadness in installments
and avoid a reckoning night.
There’s this fucking magnet-safe
where all of it accumulates,
where it sits
and calmly waits,
for years, at times,
before it wakes.
When like a fool I trap myself;
a song, a book, familiar scents,
something triggers a rush of pains,
all at once,
vast and dense.
Heavy chest and emptiness,
years of hurt and distress,
they paralyze
in strangest ways,
the torture finds
so many paths.
Amazed by sum of my regrets,
fears and doubts
I cannot count.
I see  those lives I was too scared,
or too confused
to live them out.
I’m reminded of my defections,
my surrenders, and all those times
when my legs were way too heavy
for a walk
on the clouds.

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